You came into my life on my rainy day. I remember you were unsheltered to those dollops of rain. Your soft silhouette clinging to your glistening body, while you navigate yourself through those introspective puddles. I was not alone, but my eyes, had found their apple. I’d never felt as weakened as I did invigorated. This juxtaposition confused me, but I knew I liked it. I excused myself from the soulless crowd surrounding me, and made my way towards you. We exchanged awkward pleasantries. I asked you to come closer, so we could share my umbrella. You obliged. I dropped you at your destination, forgetting mine. You looked back and smiled. I melted faster than butter in a saucepan. I told you I’d call you that night. My heightened sense of bravery baffled me. I called you. I was trembling, mispronouncing words. I think I cussed whilst talking, punched my arm for doing that. Did you realize? They say, don’t let someone make you happy or sad. Very true, in theory. I’ve never felt more alive than during that conversation. I had to keep biting my cheek to avoid giggling out of nervousness. Yes, that was why I was wincing. I’ve told you, I didn’t sleep that night. I couldn’t get you out of my head. How you were wiping the rain off of your forehead, in vain. Revisiting all the moments we’d had. What I would have said differently, kicking myself for laughing at the wrong time. I’ve never woken up with greater furore than I did, that morning. ‘Coffee, 5?‘ I responded with the speed of lightning. Lightning, yes, that’s how my body felt. Three dates later, I knew I was in love with you. When a man walks all around Causeway with you, you know he’s in love with you. After a bargaining session with shrewd stall-owners, you looked at me. You were beaming, sweat trickling down your throat, and your nose twitching. I’ve never found you more beautiful. I leaned in to kiss you, and I thought I’d be rudely dismissed. You kissed me back. I was swooning, at the peak of ecstasy. We were engulfed in unexpected showers. How befitting.
And here we are, two years later. I shouldn’t say I don’t know know what to tell you, because I do, I just don’t know how. We’re all scared of loving, lest we don’t receive a certain proportion of it back. You’ve taught me how to love, and receive it. We’re over our ‘honeymoon’ phase, way beyond it. I’m alone here, and I don’t know where I lacked. I can never forget what I saw. I wasn’t disgusted, I wasn’t angry. I didn’t want to kill him, or you. I was paralysed. You make me feel vulnerable, you bring out the worst in me. You make me disbelieve myself. I tear up every time I see you and I feel the blood flow out of my body. I lose the little energy I have left in me. I’m incandescent with humiliation. You make me cry, you make me angry, you make me hate myself. But I want you back. In this war between my heart and my head, I’m losing myself. To myself. I’m drained. In every way possible. My back is against the window sill writing you this letter, when I see the first few drops of rain sensitise the lower of my neck. Memories galore, come rushing back to me. I stare at the grey clouds, relieving themselves. I decide to draw the drapes.
As always, I’m open to criticism, appreciation and everything in between.