I’m such a Rakhi fan, I couldn’t resist but to have her on my blog. Who better to learn from when it comes to going viral on the Internet. When I finally contacted her after a ton of networking, RS’ response was simple. ‘This is chitting,I don’t know you and I will not help you‘. Rakhi-low key-dissed-me. But given just how much I’m in awe of her several talents, it only made sense to go ahead with the idea. Because I’m sitting alone in my room watching Netflix while my cat licks my toes. Clearly, I’m best suited to teach you a thing or two about being popular…Let’s go.
1. Have no clue
If you’re going to know anything about what you’re making a video about, you might as well stop. Abort mission effect immediately. How are you going to be taken seriously if you don’t sound clueless and retarded? You need to sound awkward, ill informed, out of place. Add some random pauses in the camera, maybe even open your eyes wide at regular intervals. Stare into the abyss, spasm occasionally. Just don’t come across normal or sane. Pinch yourself every time you state a fact. Or just cut the footage. God forbid you actually know what you’re talking about. The horror.
2. Don’t make any sense
At no price are you allowed to make any kind of sense. Dumb yourself down. Rakhi will attest my words. Mispronounce words, speak illogical. Never ever are you allowed to construct a meaningful sentence. You should come across confused. Maybe just call out the government randomly or recount a personal narrative when it doesn’t seem relevant. If we haven’t established it earlier, relevance and link are not your friends. Steer clear the minute you feel like you’re being relatable or you think people can understand you. That is not the right way to go.
Okay so let’s be honest. You shouldn’t even want to make a viral video if you can’t cry on cue. You’re better off with your normal job or education. You aren’t cut out for the tedious lifestyle of a viral vlogger. If you’ve seen bae’s recent press conference you know just how comfortable she’s shedding ‘aasu‘ on camera. What helps me is always having a sad personal memory that would help me get in touch with my emotional facet. (If nothing helps, think about what you’re doing with your life aspiring to make a viral video. Your low ambitions should be enough to bring about a tear or two.)
4. ‘Quote’ cases
Step 4 is of utmost importance. This doesn’t need much explanation. You have to be witty, sassy and funny. If there’s one thing Queen Rakhi has taught us, it’s always bring your ‘A’ Quote game. You could use the following spurts of gold provided to us by RS as inspiration:
– Jo Bhagwan Nahi deta, woh doctor deta hai.
– Sabne chitting ki hai.
– Is you make joke of me?
– Jinka naam Google pe Nahi Hota, main unki baat Nahi karti. Next please.
The more nonsensical and bizarre, the better. You want your viewers to be disgusted, disappointed and plain sad.
Cleavage is so 2009. Clavage is the real deal. Minions, please notify the Oxford Dictionary the change in pronunciation of the word. How will you go viral if you don’t show skin? Whether you’re a guy or a girl, skin show is a must, okay? Because who cares if you say something smart, solve a global problem, build a machine to reduce pollution, only your ‘clavage’ matters. You should listen to all the low life mongrels who tell you to strip to be popular because there is no other way.
I hope I’ve persuaded you enough to go viral. All you need is lack of mental faculty and to own a video camera. The latter is optional. The former, not so much.